Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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