so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
3 2 1 whiskey
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
