Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I want her autograph on my taint
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
