Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
