i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
