Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
