Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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