working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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