she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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