At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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