I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
