And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
