My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize