i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
