My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
