i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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