I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
