she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
