best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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