I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
