Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize