Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize