the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
