i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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