he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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