I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
