roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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