I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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