"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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