I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
