I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
