I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
