he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
