I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
