did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
