I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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