The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
