Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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