FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
