I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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