K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
