Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
