We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
