Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
