I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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