I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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