did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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