guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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