i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
