I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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