im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
