god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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