There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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