So drunk its hurt
another moral hangover. fuck.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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